![]() #Deep water movie#This is a metaphor, I guess, but not a very good one.) Honestly, reflecting on this movie for more than five minutes will make the whole thing melt in your hands, so it’s best not to consider it for too long. #Deep water full#(Also, for some reason that is never explained or narratively exploited, Vic has a huge shed full of snails that, he is at pains to say, cannot be eaten. Vic’s friends repeatedly ask why he lets his wife walk all over him, even applauding him for dancing with another woman (as if cheating back would be the best move here), but he doesn’t really explain it. #Deep water how to#(Right now, if you look up “ cuckold” in Merriam-Webster, the first example of how to use it is about this character, which sounds like a lie but somehow is not.) While de Armas swans around their enormous house, which is just close enough to a heavily wooded river where, say, a body could be submerged, Affleck gazes at her, wan and devastated while she tries to tongue the eustachian tube of whatever guy comes to one of their balls-out parties. What I do care about is the renewed pants-feelings I had for Ben Affleck playing a pathetic little man whose wife is incessantly cheating on him while he watches. Instead, Melinda cuckolds Vic over and over again until he is driven to - spoiler, in case you have never seen a movie before - murder. Affleck and de Armas play Vic and Melinda, a couple who hate each other and should just get a divorce. The plot of Deep Water is, at best, completely irrelevant. I should’ve known better than to watch another one of his movies. They just popped clean out, like one of those bubble fidget toys. It was directed by Adrian Lyne, whose last movie was the 2002 erotic thriller Unfaithful, which I watched when I was 11 and it pushed me so forcefully into puberty that I immediately grew two sizable, undeniable breasts. It was adapted from the 1957 Patricia Highsmith novel, and the reviews are sufficiently lukewarm. How do you put it? Hatred, except…the opposite? What is the word for when you do not find someone repulsive but instead want to pinch their butt so hard it falls off into your hand? Was I… horny for Ben Affleck?Īdmittedly, I have almost no grasp on what happens in Deep Water. I settled into my couch ready to be disgusted by him yet again, but a strange thing happened. Then, earlier this month, Deep Water started streaming on Hulu, starring Affleck and his ex-girlfriend Ana de Armas. Of all the pitiful white men you could whip yourself up over, you’ve all picked this one? Chris Pine is RIGHT THERE. Imagine being proud of the fact that you’re from Massachusetts, as if it’s a personality on its own? I have long thought that everyone horny for Ben Affleck is a goddamn nerd. That, combined with what we all know he did to Jennifer Garner and the back tattoo that looks like a Lite Brite, means he is my nemesis. What good was he? As far as I could see, he was a 6-foot-something Boston burnout who once tricked me into watching The Way Back, a high school sports drama that is the movie equivalent of taking an Ambien and listening to Kyrie Irving explain why he doesn’t want to get the fucking vaccine. For years, I had been an on-the-record Ben Affleck hater. The point is that every man makes me sick, and none more so than Ben Affleck. ![]() But I say the same thing to you as I do to the doctors: I’m uninterested in learning more about myself at this time. ![]() There are plenty of reasons for this, which countless medical professionals tell me lead back to unresolved issues with my father and older brother. These days, every man I look at fills me with violent grief and/or a wave of propulsive nausea. What good have they provided us lately? I have to learn how to spell Geoff, and, meanwhile, they’re in my DMs calling me “Scarchi.” I cannot, for the life of me, find a way to be interested in any of them. ![]()
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